and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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