just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
