he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
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Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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