She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
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I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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