1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
