i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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