last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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