BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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