I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
