there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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