SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
