i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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