i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
