Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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