I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
