I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
