I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
