I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize