can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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