If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
