she looked like the bat from fern gully.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Holy sore nipples Batman
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
