Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
