these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
