She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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