Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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