Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
