I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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