giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
