I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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