She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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