Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
