First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My ass is underappreciated
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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