You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
