dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
