what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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