we made out on top of his cat.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
