shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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