Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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