Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
