Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
