I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
