Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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