i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
