non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
