im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
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I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
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He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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