Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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