I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
