Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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