wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
