I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
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I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
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I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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