Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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