you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
