When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
