I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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