I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
