Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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